Archive for the ‘sickos’ Category

How to Pee With Morning Wood   Leave a comment


Every morning men wake up to this catch-22: you desperately have to pee, but you have an erection, which makes it hard to urinate, but the hard-on won’t go away until you empty your bladder. It’s almost impossible to aim at the toilet when your penis is pointing the wrong way, so you end up peeing on the wall, the floor, or yourself.

You may have developed your own technique for dealing with this catch-22, but if not, here are some methods to take care of the aiming part, customized for the angle of your dangle.


The Flying Wallenda

If your erection angles up acutely, pointing at the ceiling, you’re out of luck. Your best bet is to install a trapeze over your toilet so you can hang upside down and let gravity do the rest. Warning: Attempting this maneuver using the shower curtain rod may result in head injury.


Strong Arming

This is the brute force method. If your penis points straight out or up, you may have to bend it to your will. Grasp the shaft or press down on the top gently but firmly so your boner bends downward, pointing toward the bowl. Keep the pressure on and don’t let it slip, or you may end up spraying the wall or squirting yourself in the face. Note: In some cases this won’t work because bending constricts the flow of urine too much. If your erection is too hard, don’t force it down – you could break something, seriously.


The Lunge

If your morning wood slopes at a downward angle, consider yourself blessed. All you need to do is lunge forward so your stream of urine angles into the toilet. This prevents you from overshooting the bowl. Toward the end, as your stream gets weaker, you can deepen the lunge to avoid dribbling on the floor.


Downward Dog

This position will work for just about anybody, but it is a little difficult to get into, and – if someone walks in on you – potentially kind of embarrassing. Stand facing away from the toilet, with a foot on either side of the bowl. Bend forward at the waist until you’re touching the floor (or the opposing wall, or the tub, depending on your bathroom layout). Adjust your stance so your junk is well inside the bowl – you don’t want the pee to run down your front. If you get caught, claim that you like to wake up with a morning yoga workout.

Note: This position may encourage you to take better aim in general, since it will bring you face-to-face with the residue of near-misses and splatters that coat the floor and outer bowl surface.


The Plank

Another one for guys who point straight out or slightly down. Stand a foot or two away from the toilet and lean forward, supporting your weight by putting your hands on the wall above the toilet. Take aim and hold your body rigid. This position also strengthens your abs and core muscles.


The Girly Man

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and sit down to pee. Sit on the john with your legs apart and lean forward so your penis points down into the bowl. You may have to press down on your erection slightly to make sure you don’t pee out and down the front of the bowl. And no, sitting down doesn’t make you any less manly, especially if there are extenuating circumstances. What? You say it’s so long you can’t keep it from dragging in the water? Oh, alright then.


Leg Up

It’s not uncommon to have an erection that curves to one side or the other. If yours does this, you’ll need to compensate accordingly. Use the bathroom walls to brace yourself as you balance on one foot and tilt your body until your curve is pointing down toward the toilet bowl. You might want to install a grab bar by the toilet if you do this regularly.


The Superman

If you’re a man of steel in the morning, you might as well be a superhero. Tie on the bedsheet for a cape, mount the bowl in a single bound, and make like you’re flying. Hopefully the pressure relief will be like Kryptonite for your boner.

copyright sexhax

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Posted 30 December 2009 by chrismmm in sickos

An Open Letter to Barack   Leave a comment

Hey…OK first things first. Congratulations for being the first black american president and “driving” the Bushes, Cheneys, Rumsfelds and all those Damned War Generals to the garbage dump. No. Really! Thanks!!

It had to be done and for it to be done by a brother just adds a twinge of poetic justice that makes me giddy at times. Sometimes I will sit and think of it..these high powered white dude, global power brokers siting around the cigar and whiskey parlor rooms “steaming piss”.. pissed off talking about how they got jumped by the negro!!

To me it is laughable and hilarious!! It makes me think of all kinds of bush-isms. I can just imagine the talk George W has had with his daddy and mommy.. HAHAHAHA!!  The “Bush dinner” with his mommy and pops after leaving the white house wherein George W is all mopey and shit and is being consoled by Barbara and Big Daddy constantly reminding him ..”we are so proud of you”..its not your fault….we ARE NOT disappointed in you!!! LMAO.

Here are some other thoughts; all those W stickers…don’t see as many as we used to see on the road.  On the other end of the spectrum I also think of the brothas sittin ’round in the man cave talking big time shit about how a half baked, soup bone, Hyde park uppity ass negro from Chicago shut down the biggest war machine EVER KNOWN TO MAN!

The Al Sharptons and Jessie Jacksons of the world got to be thinking.. he ain’t all black but I don’t give a shit, ‘He got THE job’. He sent the white, cracker ass crackers packin’ from the white house, Ha! He got the white house staff cooking fried chicken, collard greens and hot sauce on the table. He got his wife with her big ol ass right beside him and she is just as  smart and uppity as he is. Hell she probably ain’t black either.  Yes Ma’am..finally some spice up in here.. ’bout damn time, ’bout damn time.

There is an endless stream of black consciousness here! And hell I ain’t even black !! I can see the brothas smokin weed on the weekends and talking big time shit and laughin their collective asses off!! I MEAN LAUGHING their asses off. The kind where you are talking with your friends laughing so hard you cry and make a fool out of yourself.

Carrying on… the white house grocery list has changed!! Lets talk about what could be dropped and what could be added..using all the stereotypes available..
Added/Dropped;
Hennesey/Woodford Reserve
Ole English 800’s in 40 ounce bottle/Bud Light (probably not, but I couldn’t resist)
Collard Greens/Green Beans
Jet magazine/Southern Living
watermelon/passion fruit
white bread/jewish swirled rye
chocolate milk/white milk 2%
chicken breast/lamb chops
plain old yellow cheese/$20 goat cheese
OJ/Ocai pomegranite(sp) juice
tabasco/texas pete
kibbels and bits/gourmet dog food
tortilla chips/cape code white cheddar popcorn
luzianne tea bags/earl grey tea bags
folgers/starbucks
white trash bags/black trash bags < a lot of symbology there
the list is endless and pathetic!! Ha

and finally in closing I cant resist the change in playlists so here we go

beyonce replacing tony bennett
darius rucker replacing willie nelson
jennifer lopez replacing taylor swift
yoyo ma replacing wagner

Disclaimers:
1. I am white and don’t understand anything about racial relations and stereotypes
2. I am a smalltown white boy who dont know shit about politics and really dont give a rat’s ass.
3. I cant deny being an amateur racist but I can deny being a hypocrite!
4. I pray for forgiveness everynight at bedtime but that don’t mean I am covered on this one! Ha!

Peace….

Posted 28 July 2009 by chrismmm in Politocos, sickos

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Arnold   Leave a comment

Posted 14 July 2009 by chrismmm in sickos

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Second Plane Hits Michael Jackson   Leave a comment

Second Plane Hits Michael Jackson

Fans still reeling from the shocking events of last Thursday have been shaken by the news that a second plane has just hit Michael Jackson.

The aircraft, an American Airlines Boeing 737 struck the LA County Coroner’s vehicle carrying the body of the deceased superstar, en route to the Jackson family home. First reports suggest that the plane, AA Flight 83 bound for Las Vegas, Nevada, lost contact with ground control within seconds of leaving LAX at 4.28pm.

The only subsequent communication received, seconds before the impact, was of an hysterical male voice screaming “Glory to the name of Allah! Revenge on the infidel Jackson for the blasphemy that was ‘Invincible”! Get my 72 virgins ready – I’m gonna get my freak on!”

On hearing of the latest tragedy, hysterical Jackson fans encamped at the singer’s Neverland Ranch were shocked once again into spouting inane cliches and platitudes. “This is the day the music died again, just like it died last Thursday, only it wasn’t really totally dead then, but it sure is now. But it will live on as long as it is not dead.” sobbed Lavisha Washington of Butte, Montana who has been keeping vigil at the gates of Neverland since 1992, just in case Michael died suddenly.

Shortly after news of the incident broke, Jackson’s father Joe paused from thrashing daughters Janet and LaToya to release this statement; “I ain’t surprised. That’s what that boy gets for playin’ glove puppets with those little white children.” A visibly moved Jackson then added “My record label is releasing videotapes using Blu Ray technology, or somethin’. I also have a website kinda thang.

via Second Plane Hits Michael Jackson | CelebJihad.com – Explosive Celebrity Gossip!.

Posted 7 July 2009 by chrismmm in sickos